How to Thank Someone
by Lover of Angelus
Summary: After Dean had done nothing but care for you and love you and hold you and heal you, this is how you repay him? By taking away his father? Your father? SLASH. First chapter is a poem, second and third is not.
1. In the Beginning

**Title** : How to Thank Someone

**Disclaimer** : Me no own, You no sue.

**WARNINGS** Slight **_INCEST_** and language

**Note** : **_Bold italics_** Voice is Sam's head and _Italics_ Sam's thoughts

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**Chapter One **: In the Beginning

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"I love you, Sammy."  
His voice is hoarse as he lies in the hospital bed.

"I love you, too, Deanio."  
You reply as you squeeze his hand tightly and let him know that you're here.

He glares at you  
From underneath heavy eyelids  
At the nickname.

"Now we're even."  
You tell him  
Placing a kiss on his forehead  
Just before the doctor walks in with a smile on his face  
And good news on the tip of his tongue.

-

_Another one bites the dust.  
_You think as the Wendigo burns  
And Dean laughs by your side.

-

_It's all going to_-  
Your thoughts are interrupted  
As Dean presses his lips against yours  
And demands that you stop worrying  
Because he can fix this, no problem.

-

"Easy, Sammy."  
He's laughing at you quietly  
As he dips his fingers in the oinment  
And slowly dresses your wounds.

"It's not funny."  
You snarl.  
Hating yourself for being  
So weak.

"You're right, it's fucking hilarious."  
And then he throws his head back  
And just laughs.

"Jerk."  
You mutter.  
But it doesn't do any good  
Because you can't stay mad at him for very long.  
And he knows it.

-

_Okay, yeah, that hurts.  
_Your hands fly to your temples  
And you try to will away the vision  
Before it becomes too intense.  
Oh look, the floor.

"Sam!"  
Dean is suddenly there,  
And the pain is no longer  
Something that is of concern to you.  
Because now that you're in Dean's arms,  
The pain is gone.

-

"We'll find Dad, so don't worry."  
Dean slaps you on the back  
And you feel like ripping your hair out  
Right then and there.

_**Why can't you just tell him?**  
_Whispers a voice  
That sounds a bit like Jessica.

"That's not-."  
You sigh  
And push it aside.  
For now.

_You can tell him later.  
_You tell yourself.  
And of course,  
You never get around to it.

-

_**I knew it!  
**_The voice that sounds  
Like Jessica is screaming.  
It's giving you a headache.  
Another one.

"How could you do it?"  
You demand of  
Your father.

He shakes his head  
And answers with:  
"It needs to be done in order to get what we want."

"No."  
Is all you say.  
And with tears in your eyes and fury in your throat,  
The trigger is pulled.

-

_**You're in trouble now, Sammy.  
**_Says that voice.

You look up.  
The tears in your eyes  
making it hard to see anything.

"What did you do?"

_Dean._

_**Told you you were in trouble.**  
_Giggles the voice happily.  
_**How you gonna get out of this one?**_

"Dean-"  
You begin  
But his eyes never let you finish.  
They're so full of hate and betrayal  
That you just _have_ to look away.

"What did-?"  
Dean's dropped the coffee  
And his back is against the door  
His eyes never leave  
The body.

"I'm not sorry."  
Is all you can say  
As you drop the pistol...  
Step over the body...  
And throw up in the toilet.

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	2. In the End

**Title** : How to Thank Someone

**Disclaimer** : Me no own, You no sue.

**Warning **: Slight **_INCEST_** and language

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**Chapter Two **: In the End

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You know that it's all just a ruse. You know that he really blames you, though he would never say it aloud, and you can't really blame him 'cause you still hate yourself because you were the one who pulled the trigger. You hate yourself because you were the one who brought him this pain, after he had done nothing but cared for you and loved you and held you and healed you, and this is how you repay him? By taking away his father? Your father?

But still, you don't know how to tell him. How the hell can you say anything to him? How the hell can you talk to someone who never looks at you? Is that even possible? Yeah, you'll just walk right up to your brother and tell him straight up that Dad wanted to use him as a sacrifice. You like your head where it is, thanks.

-

The gun falls from your hand and you sink to the ground, thankful that you had managed to save Dean's life at least once before the week was over.

He looks over and glares at you, angry for your interference. But you're just thankful that he's looking at you again and it's all you can do to stay where you are and not move to check on him and he seems just a little thankful for that much.

-

There are times in people's lives when they just have to throw everything out the window and just do or say what they've been holding back. So when you realize that you're falling back in love with your older brother, you have to remind yourself that he still hates you and probably always will on some level. You know that he used to love you; he used to want to do anything and everything for you. And you want that back, you want your big brother who at times would double as a lover. But when he looks at you, his hazel eyes seem to except something, not an apology… but he thinks that you're about to do something. Then one day, while you're thinking about it Dean answers the question for you.

"Aren't you gone yet?" he asked, upper lip curling in a light snarl as one hand dug through his duffle, searching for a shirt while the other held a white towel loosely about his hips.

The question stuns you almost as much as the way the light hits that thin sheen of water that veils itself across his skin.

"What are you talking about?" you ask, dragging your eyes away from a long scar that trailed down his lower back.

"Why haven't you left yet?" he throws over his shoulder as he continues his search, his voice is light as if he was asking about the weather.

You sigh and decide that it's time to break it to him gently. "I'm not going back to Stanford," to hell with it all. You were never really good at prettying things up in these type of situations, you just say what you're gonna say.

Dean whirls around and glares at you with a fire that would make Lucifer blush. "Don't fuck with me, Sam," he snarls viciously and you notice how he pointedly calls you _Sam_.

"A little late for that, don't you think?" you ask him quietly, letting your eyes roam noticeably across his torso. "I'm not going back to school. Unless you really want me to go back, unless you really want me to leave again."

He's watching you watching him and his hazel eyes are darkening with a lust that you haven't seen in nearly three weeks. But then something flashes in his eyes and he turns around and angrily stomps back toward the bathroom and you can't help but notice that bulge just underneath his white-knuckled fist.

You smirk and are off the bed faster than even you could've imagined and you have Dean pinned to the wall. "Do you hate me?" you ask, using your superior height and weight to keep him against the wall, and despite his struggling, he's not going anywhere soon, and you both know it. "Dean," you whisper his name and brush your lips against his. He freezes at the familiar touch. "Do you hate me, Dean?" you repeat.

"You killed Dad," he's struggling with his voice and you hate how you can't tell him the truth. But then the next words out of his mouth nearly kill you. "I can't ever forgive you, Sam. I loved you, more than anything in this entire world. And I know that you won't tell me about why you did it, but I'm not an idiot, Sam. I knew what Dad was planning, I knew the lengths he was willing to go to just to end this demon. I knew but I didn't do anything about it 'cause I figured you'd go back to Stanford and then Dad would leave. And I can't be alone; not again, Sammy; I can't be alone."

"Whoever said you were going to be alone, Dean?" you ask, your own voice is weakening and you tighten your grip on his wrists.

"You said that you weren't going to live this life," he turns his head to the side, away from you and you know that he's trying so desperately to hide his tears because he's the older brother and older brother's aren't allowed to cry, he's told you that once before; you never really believed it… didn't want to believe it.

"I take it back," you whisper. "I can't leave you again; I can't leave you again, Dean. You'll never be rid of me again, Dean. I'll follow you wherever you go. Are you listening to me, Dean?"

"I want to believe you," he says through clenched teeth. "You have no idea how much I want to believe what you're saying right now," he turns back to you and you can finally see the broken man your older brother has become. His hazel eyes are wet and pleading and loving and hating all at the same time and the truth is, all this emotion from Dean is starting to scare you just a little bit.

"What can I do to prove it to you?" you beg him.

"Nothing," he shakes his head and slowly pries himself from your grasp and you let him go reluctantly. "Sam, just go back. Forget about everything. Forget about Dad, forget about the Hunt, forget about the fucking monsters and spirits. Forget about everything," his voice has a detachment to it that freezes your heart and brings up the taste of bile to your throat.

"Don't let me go," you say, your staring at his back, at the scar at the base of his spine. It's one of the may that he's gotten from protecting your sorry ass. "Please, don't let me go, Dean."

"I said to forget about it, Sam!" Dean shouts, turning to face you. "Go back to school! At least one of us should be normal. It's what you've always wanted, right! Go! Be fucking Joe College and have everything that you've ever dreamed of, just leave me the fuck alone!" He turns on his heel and storms into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him and leaving you alone.

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	3. All You Can Do

**Title** : How to Thank Someone

**Disclaimer** : Me no own, You no sue.

**Warning **: Slight **_INCEST_** and language

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**Chapter Three **: All You Can Do

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When Dean gets out of the bathroom, he looks around and doesn't see you. What he does see is the open door. He quietly makes his way toward it, and you know that you'll never forget his face when he sees you standing out in the middle of the busy highway, cars whizzing by you and horns blaring.

"What the hell are you doing?" he demands as he races toward the shoulder of the road, his head whipping from side-to-side, watching all the cars going by without even slowing.

"You told me to go away," you say, your voice is strangely light and you don't like how the words feel on your tongue. "I just need a ride."

"You gonna commit suicide?" his words are harsh and you can't help the bitter laugh that escapes your throat. Just two hours ago he was talking about how he wanted you gone, now his eyes are begging you not to leave.

"Since when did you care?" you demand, you feel the anger burning in your chest. Besides, you have a secret: You won't get hit. Too bad he doesn't know that, right?

"Sam?" his voice sounds so hurt, which is weird cause you could've sworn that he hated you.

"I told you not to let me go!" you shout at him and Dean thought that he just saw that car rise off the pavement for just a split second. "You told me to leave you alone, you told me to leave, so fine! Here I am! I'm leaving you again because you want it!" Your shouting so loud but the cars that whisk right on by seem to just keep stealing your words and throwing them in the air and not letting them come back down.

"Not like this, Sam," Dean is shouting right back, he's pacing back and forth by the shoulder, running his hands in his hair and on the back of his neck. "Dammit," he cries, clenching his fists at his side.

"You did this, Dean," you hear yourself yelling, his eyes are transfixed on the semi that you know is heading right for you. "Watch this," you call out, "I want you to watch this!"

The semi's horn is blaring and it's one of the loudest sounds that you've ever heard. It's right there next to the bang that ended your father's life. You smile, it's so close. You're watching Dean's face and when his eyes widen you know that it's working.

You look over to the side and beam at your handiwork. The truck is floating and you just throw your head back and laugh because that's all you _can_ do.

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End file.
